A place of solace

My ex is seriously fucking with me. He asked me to go to dinner with him and his mom. Why would he do that? And of course I said yes. I still want to be with him and he knows it. He called me 3 times tonight just to chat. I think he wants to get back together. But should I? I'm seriously too weak to say no.

So far I'm doing shitty on my calorie restricting. I had 870 cals today. I seriously only want to eat 300 cals. I have no control. I should have went to the gym also but I'm just too lazy. At least I worked my butt off at work. I'm going to go buy some cough drops tomorrow. Those are always good at suppressing my appetite. I also have some zoloft to suppress my appetite. Last time I took zoloft regularly I lost 12 lbs. without even trying. Zoloft is an anti-depressant if anyone wants to know.

I work 2 shifts tomorrow so I really don't know how I'm supposed to make it to the gym. Plus I'm going out with my mom also. I look like a fat ass though! How am I supposed to attract any guys in the state I'm in? Thankfully work distracts me from eating. I usually almost feel sick to my stomach when I'm off. I love it. I'm done with my ranting now. Goodnight.

So once was I

I found one picture of me at about 100 lbs. Its the only one I have. I don't understand why I have so many fatter pictures and only one thinner one. Still not skinny at all though. This is about a year ago or more.

Even with all the junk in the way you can tell I'm bottom heavy. I hate it!

And so I hurt alone

I was just thinking about the part of my body that I need to work on the most are my legs. They're short and stubby, and I have kankles. Yuck! I have to work on getting them leaner. That just means getting skinner in general. Maybe jogging will work. One of my co workers is a recovering anorexic. She told me jogging made her legs and butt shrink. That's exactly what I want. So I have to try to go on a one hour jog everyday at least. Its still so hot at night though. I just have to suck it up. Oh, so just letting everyone know that the pictures of myself will have the cropped off heads. So you know which ones are of me and which ones are not. And once I get down to 105 lbs. and lower I will start taking new pictures of myself to post progress. For now I'm posting the old fat pictures.

108 lbs in this picture(stubby legs).

Ends with a teardrop

So remember how I ate KFC and I said I was going to burn off all the calories? Well I actually did. I burned 670 cals and it took 85 min. God it made me so weak. But when I stepped in the scale the next morning I lost 2 lbs. How cool is that? All I need to do is burn 100% percent of my calorie intake and I lose weight. I guess I kind of already knew that. Its just nice to see it happened.

So I'm going through a divorce with my husband and I use the calorie restricting to keep my mind off him. Its all I think about now is dieting and stuff. I'm depressed. I miss my husband. My whole life is out of control right now. I'm 23 years old. I should be happy with my husband, maybe having our first child. I'm old fashioned. I've always dreamed of having a family. My soon to be ex ruined it for me. Now I'm on the verge of suicide. The only thing keeping me going is my weight loss. Its only been 3 weeks since he asked for divorce. But do you want to know when he told me his decision? On my fucking birthday. I cried for a while and then got drunk with my brother at TGI Fridays. I've been depressed ever since. At first I ate everything in sight and gained a few pounds. Then it turned into extreme dieting. I've lost 7 lbs. so far. I don't want to keep feeling sorry for myself though. I will just continue focusing on my dieting and exercising. When I obsess over it, it keeps the focus off my ex. My heart hurts when I think of him. I feel more numb when I work out for a long time. I hope I wont turn all fucked up in the head over this. It really hit me hard. I'm my only friend right now. Not really the kind of friend I need at the moment.

I want to look like her. I love her skinny legs.

Undreamed shores

I just got back from KCF. It wasn't that good. I'm very disappointed. Now I have to work my ass off to burn the calories. I hate the guilty feeling I get after I eat. I'm so bloated right now! I'm going to the gym in about an hour. And after that, no more eating.

For some reason my fantasy weight is 88 lbs. I don't know why I'm so stuck on that number. But for now my first goal weight is 105 lbs. *new yarn for Christmas blanket*
2nd goal weight: 100 lbs. *new sneakers*
    3rd goal weight: 95 lbs. *Disneyland*
    4th goal weight: 90 lbs. *detailed car wash*
     last goal weight: 88 lbs. *shopping spree*

I like to give myself incentives just to have extra motivation to try harder.

Starting Wednesday I'm going on an all raw diet detox with my mom. Hopefully that will jump start my weight loss. Plus I'm going to go to the gym 5 times a week. I'll also try to water fast 1-2 times a week. I just have to hide it from my mom. She wont suspect anything because I'm so chunky.

Height: 5'2"
Current weight: 108.5 lbs.
Highest weight: 127 lbs.
Lowest weight: 99 lbs.
Goal weight: 88 lbs.

To unpathed waters

So this is my first post. I'm not sure how to start out. I am a diet obsessed girl who feels very alone. I'm constantly counting calories. I compulsively over eat and I compulsively starve. I am at a supposedly normal weight for my height but I really think that's a load of shit. The US just tries to make fat people feel better. I am 5'2" and 108 lbs. I definitely consider myself chunky. Who made up ideal weights anyway? Well I'm going to eat a lot of KFC right now and then burn it off at the gym. bye bye.

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"You didn't gain it over night, you aren't going to lose it over night!"